Somehow, and from somewhere, another edition of the original Essex Terror magazine has surfaced. This is possibly the greatest archaeological find since the Dead Sea Scrolls.|
David N. Guy
I found this the other day while searching through my loft. Its possibly the only known copy of the short lived Essex Terror magazine from the late 1980s. All the others were destroyed in a moralistic purge by the authorities in 1990, and everyone involved mysteriously disappeared for the next 15 years, and many of them are quite possibly dead.
David N. Guy
Resistance Soldier: What kind of terminator is that, John?|
John Connor: It's a T-850. It is a significant upgrade to the T-800. The new features are: more gnarled face, and turkeying of the neck. Also now it can tell jokes
T-850: I'm back.
Resistance Soldier: ahahahahaha! ;-)
from: DAVID MCPIPEHELM|
date: Mon, Apr 25, 2005 at 9:12 AM
subject: Dear Sir or Madam
Recently while perusing the internet I came across possibly the most depraved site ever created. Appalled by this I took solace in http://www.goaste.cx, and have since regained my composure.
David McPipehelm (deceased)
Get all of McBluebeard from here
|I stepped carefully into her bathroom and quietly locked the door behind me. Turning my head slowly from left to right, I took in the scene. My palms began to feel sticky. My pulse quickened; I could feel it in my temples. Walking over to her sink, I picked up her toothbrush and put it in my mouth like a lollipop. I sucked at the bristles, hoping to get a taste of her. I put it down, foiled, and stroked the bar of soap next to the hot tap. I rolled it over in my hands, inspecting it closely. Nothing.|
Wolverine looks up his name in a dictionary.
noun 1. Also called carcajou. a stocky, carnivorous North American mammal, Gulo luscus, of the weasel family, having blackish, shaggy hair with white markings.
Wolverine: So Dr X was right. It isn't a type of wolf at all
Close up on Wolverine's face, a single tear welling at the corner of his eye
1899 - Tripped over on way to outside toilet, shattering jar of cabbage|
1918 - Helped lose Germany the war
1919 - Slight error of perspective on painting of house in field
With Christmas fast approaching, ALISON GRAHAM looks ahead to some of this Yule's telly treats, as well as one or two turkeys not even fit for leftovers.
As Time Goes By - BBC1, 7pm, Christmas Eve
Long-overdue catch-up with Jean, Lionel and the gang in the wonderfully-scripted hour of delightful gentle comedy. 5 years on from where we left them, Jean and Lionel are growing old as ungracefully as ever! Jean goes into a flat-spin when Judith, Alistair and adopted son Ngfy come to stay after their house is flooded, and bring chaos with them! Meanwhile Lionel must face some harsh realities of growing older when he finds Jean's supply of Tena Lady.
Funny, wonderful, moving.
Although it may look to the outside world as if goaste is just hastily produced rubbish, and that we've all spent the summer doing nothing except weep in frustration at the clouds, there is in fact a surprising amount of hard work going on behind the scenes.
Our team of highly skilled professionals don't just stumble upon our award-winning jokes and our prize-winning artwork does not just appear from thin air. |
Sometimes what you don't see is more important than what you do. It is for that reason that, for the first time, we reveal how goaste gets made.
|Episode 1: The Doctor On The Beach - Doctor Who goes to Brighton to fight the Dalek menace. Guest starring Julie Birchill|
INT. BISTRO. DAY
A suave WAITER brings over a bottle of water, winks at SAMANTHA, then walks away backwards (film this forwards then reverse it) while whispering secrets
SAMANTHA: Hey you guys
She winks and opens the water, then winks at the camera
HORSE-FACED WOMAN: Hey so this guy i was with he say he too scared-
MIRANDA: Shut up look, isn't that Peldren Meatowl?
In the background the sun grows larger and larger. We see it has a face, the mouth open, contorted in agony. The camera gradually whites out as the girls chat and luagh
|Multi-instrumentalist and cat enthusiast Vom Vorton recently discovered this short interview he made with Toby Vok in 1997 in his old school bag, along with a rotten banana, some graph paper and a tape containing a number of never heard before or since Toby Vok songs. He contends that this was the last time Toby Vok spoke in public before his mysterious disappearance in 1997, but of this there is no proof except his word and his astonishingly beautiful stare.|
Episode 1: The sliders travel to a world where Stephen Fry is a cockney. Mallory blows him up|
Episode 2: The sliders discover an Earth where everyone is gay. Mallory blows it up
Episode 3: The sliders arrive on a world that has been inverted. Guest Starring Corey Haim
|After the huge international success of BBC One's Hitler!, ITV decided to try and compete by commissioning Stalin!. Stalin! starred David Baddiel as Stalin, and Kill Bill's daughter from Kill Bill as Stalin's daughter. Stalin! was a ratings failure, and was cancelled after just 1 episode.|
My friend asks me if I’ve heard of Chelsea Charms. “Is that the new Conran shop?” I innocuously/innocently ask. My friend takes pity on poor, gloriously isolated from popular culture me (Me who enquired at a dinner party, just last week, “Does Amy Winehouse takes drugs, then?” Me who thinks that Tom Cruise is still a good Catholic boy.), and explains that Chelsea Charms is, in fact, not a new purveyor of exquisite talking pieces for the vibrant Chiswick household, but rather the owner of the world’s pair of largest (cosmetically-enhanced) breasts. “Gosh,” I squeak, when Calliope reveals that, at last measure, Charms vitals clocked in at a staggering 153XXX-23-34.
Yes, that was 153XXX.
|"Wax my anus!" screams Courtney Love, before hurling herself out of the window of the cab, naked. I look back, my eyes all white at the edges like a dog's when it's scared. She's rolling and rolling down the motorway, arms tightly by her sides.|
|I kicked the door open and schlepped my bags across the threshold. Something stirred in the artificial darkness of the hallway. “Fuck off, Agamemnon, you heap of bastard – you’ll trip me over.” Onwards to the kitchen I strode purposefully, gratefully dumping the bags on the floor once there, and lifting my hands to inspect the welts of fat between where their taut plastic had cut into my flesh. “Nothing as bad as what Dad had to put up with, Julie!” I rebuked myself as I started to unpack and place my items in the cupboards, eating a sausage roll as I did so, and reflecting further upon the misery wrought upon millions like my father – heroes who had died tiny, insignificant deaths under the oppressive yokes of bourgeoisie. The former shackled until the end by the latter’s vulgar, formless notions of superiority, hidden beneath the repulsive veil of a stiff upper lip. (Like the veils worn by Muslim women, who are really totally oppressed, and yet we protect their foul abusive husbands in the name of liberalism!!!)|
George Bush is standing beside a big picture of George Bush, which says George Bush on it
Bart Simpson: Hey, are you George Bush?
George Bush: Yes.
Bart Simpson: I love you, George Bush
SPENCER and SHERYL are in bed
SHERYL: Whats that?
SHERYL points down the bed, off camera, in the sort of area that SPENCER's penis might be
SHERYL: That! It looks disgusting.
SPENCER: Its not disgusting
SHERYL: And whats all the brown stuff on it
SHERYL: Yeah, right
SPENCER: It is chocolate
SHERYL: I can't believe how disgusting you are
SHERYL gets out of bed. The camera pans out, and we can see that they were talkint about SPENCER's funion, which is on the duvet in the middle of the bed.
SPENCER picks up the funion and takes a bite. Chocolate smears around his mouth
|Simon was a young boy, much like any other. The sort of child you can hardly see, sometimes. If Simon had not suffered from a rare affliction it is doubtful that even his parents would have remembered his name, or his face.|
James Blunt - All the Lost Souls|
This album breaks no new musical ground - and is all the better for it. No fan-baiting art school self indulgence like Kid A by Radiohead, this follow-up to the remarkable Back to Bedlam is three quarters of an hour of pure conformity. 10/10
Girl: Father, can I play in the garden?|
Hitler strikes his daughter across the face
1 - What do you look for in a man?|
A) Good looks.
B) A good sense of humour.
D) A fit, healthy body.
E) All of the above!!!
|George, can we begin?|
|The questions are welling up behind my eyes, like a froth. Has this ever happened to you, George?|
Ted Vaaaak, reported dead in 2005, stunned the literary world last summer when he reappeared on egosalve website Myspace. Possibly forgetting he was dead, or maybe communicating with us from beyond, Ted Vaaak's diary ran for an enigmatic few months, before withering away in front of our very eyes.|
No one was able to actually contact the shadowy creature during or after this brief explosion of activity, and ever since there has just been an eerie silence. What this means only the Gods can know.
He was aware of her mouth, flapping like a singing sock puppet, but it took one, maybe two seconds for his brain to process the sounds emitted from her knotty flap. It wasn't "If You're Happy and You Know It", that's for sure. Hell, it wasn't even "Thanks for the Valentine's gift."|
"It's over between us, Jack, O-V-A! You suck, Jack! You suck so bad, you suck wet farts from dying pigeons!"
He got the feeling this evening wasn't going well.
His name was Jack.
#0: Casino Royale (The Original)
The ORIGINAL (not the new REMAKE, guys!) version of Casino Royale. It wasn't an official James Bond 007 film but it should be in this list anyway as a useful historical document.
#1: Dr. No
"Do you expect me to talk!"
"No Mr Bond 007, because I am Dr. No and answer everything in the negative. That's my gimmick!"
Episode 1: A mouth on the face is worth two on the neck
Gyles Brandreth, mild mannered owner of a Teddy Bear museum by day, is an international secret agent by night. This week, Gyles is kidnapped by a shadowy terrorist mastermind, who injects his mouth with a terrifying growth serum. Gyles escapes, but can he find a cure before his mouth becomes too big to feed?
"I didn't feel too bad here. Half a Zanax, 3 Bonophols, washed down with some vodka. Shimmery outlines round everything, but generally rooted in reality. Couldn't remember my lines."
|This all-purpose bum is a delightful addition to any party.|
THE INFECTED - 2006 (post-production)
Starring John Hurt, Kevin Bacon, Rob Schneider, Reese Witherspoon, Tobey McGuire
Small town gets infected with zombies, and the survivors huddle together, then in a twist ending it ironically turns out that they are in fact dead and all the 'zombies' are living people, trying to reach out sympathetically and hug them, except they keep shooting them!
Oh my fucking god |
It's like a fucking joke
Is it a joke? The bit where that bint says "welcome" and Cage's horrible mouth forms into a grin, and the bit where it zooms in on on the evil woman's face, both made me laugh out loud. Also, what? What? Do they worship the devil, or something? Why is it all evil? Why is there a girl with a beard of bees? What's all this supernatural bullshit?
The whole point of The Wicker Man is that despite their weirdness, the islanders are actually profoundly nice people (kind of like the end of Rosemary's Baby), who see the sacrifice as an act of love and a gift, not as a laughlaugh evil thing to do at all.
This is the end of civilisation as we know it. Juxtapose this trailer with the original film; if ever you needed evidence that the last 30 years have heralded the onset of the Stupid Age, this is it
A race of machine/humanoid hybrids created by Davros, a brilliant individual driven insane by his crippled body. They wish to kill all humans, and often say "Exterminate!"
A race of machine/humanoid hybrids created by John Lumic, a brilliant individual driven insane by his crippled body. They wish to kill all humans, and often say "Delete!"
Designer Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen has described the new Big Brother house as "the seventh circle of Hell", adding the creator is "an evil genius".
The set - shown to the press ahead of Thursday's launch - was "a lot less well behaved" than previous years, the Changing Rooms host told the Guardian. "In fact," he added, "It’s a kind of frisky felon of a construction, an indestructible former Kaled of a building, an emotionless brick engine of extermination, hell bent on destroying human kind, koala bears and the entire planet…but in building form. This year's big brother house is a veritable child rapist of glass and metal, a transparent Hitler with cramped single beds buried in his anus pipe – Davros made house. I absolutely love it."
Clarence: And have you noticed how every cartoon hero in the eighties was David Hasselhoff? He-man? David Hasselhoff! Optimus Prime? David Hasselhoff! Wiz-bit? David fucking Hasselhoff!|
Woman at bar: Wiz-bit wasn't a cartoon, man
Clarence: Fuck you!
Clarence starts shooting
|'Hi there! I'm Iain Banks, the famous author. I've written all sorts of weird, gothic-y books like The Wasp Factory, The Bridge and all that. They're great - maybe you should check 'em out!'|
|'Oh, hello the noo... I'm Iain Banks' evil twin, Iain M. Banks. I despise my brother, and decided to do something completely different to distance myself from him - I write sort of weird, science fictiony books. I'm completely different to my stupid brother, Iain Banks.'|
BIG SWOOPY SHOT ACROSS A GENERIC SKYSCRAPERED CITY SKYLINE
...the greatest threat our country - and the world - has ever faced. We, as a nation, must -
LED NUMERICAL DISPLAY HITS ZERO. WHITEHOUSE EXPLODES.
|It's nearly my birthday and I saw Mil leafing through the "Past Times" catalogue. What a compleat arsole. We have copies of "How to be a Smug Twat in Latin" coming out of our ears.|
Leslie Bonjela Crowther, born Hans Karl Filberflinger (6 February 1933 Munich), was a Nazi Doctor and later a British comedian.
With experience gained during hypothermia experimentation during the Second World War - under the supervision of Dr. Sigmund Rascher at Birkenau, Dachau and Auschwitz - and as a presenter of such programmes as The Black and White Minstrel Show and long-running children's institution Crackerjack (with Dr. Peter Glaze), Crowther was the ideal candidate to take over from Professor Kurt Blome as the host of the long running British game show The Price is Right.
I have been trying to find evidence of this for ages, because it was so fucking petrifying and scarring. Nobody else seemed to remember it, but now I know it is real. I was scared, because my brain tends to make horrible, horrible things up, things that never really happened, but at least this is real.
"Lift Off!". It was an educational TV programme made by the Australians.
A smiling Aborigine. That's nice enough, almost delightful. Nothing to worry about there...
Once upon a time it was the 40s. A very big black man, Coofe, sat in a field wailing. In his arms are 2 deaded Elm Street skipping ghost girls. "I tried to take it back!" cries black man. His negroid colouring and ambiguous phrasing suggest e'en now that the twist in the tale is that he did not dunnit.
A man appear. He was once the baddy in something but is the daddy in this. He curse Coofe for killing his daughters. Coofe -> Death Row.
|New Yorkers were left cowering in terror this weekend as unprecedented amounts of snow fell from the sky on to the ground. Central Park - a major thoroughfare and favourite commuting route for Americans all over America - suffered a massive 68.3 cm (26.9 inches) of snow. Buff American, an American New Yorker who contacted us, gave us this eyewitness account: "The snow came down suddenly, like the icy rain of death. It was swarming all around and people were starting to panic. We've all been on High Red Alert recently because of all the Terror, and naturally we suspected the worst. What if this 'snow' is just the start of Bin Laden's chemical warfare attacks!"|
COW wedged ironically in the dairy aisle in between|
and the cheese
face that cow face it down face that cow
I am used to cow being my dinner says a lady backing away rapidly
cow should not be looking at me
she drops her meat and flees
face it! Face that cow!
Cow in the supermarket!
It should not be here
The Government today announced a total ban of the consumption of all crisps, nuts and snack foods in public areas. The legislation is due to be rushed through parliament, and is expected to come into effect in August 2009. John Cautious, the newly appointed Minister for Health, Nutrition and Patronising Laws, announced today that "in today's society, more and more people are choosing to eat high-fat junk foods with poor nutritional value. We believe that people should not be allowed to make choices unless they are good ones".
Starring: The Chuckle Brothers
Venue: Various UK Venues
Dates: From March 1st - December 20th 2006
It seems wholly appropriate that I am writing this review now, before I see the production to which it refers. Before you consider this aged critic to have taken leave of his senses, allow me to explain. I have an advantage over my readership: I have recently travelled in time - travelled back to the 27th of January in the year 2006 (or 'today', as you slaves to the god of Greenwich Mean Time like to call it). Apt indeed, for the production in question can trace its lineage right back to the most famous time traveller of them all, Doctor Who.
You are in the lounge.
You can see smoke.
You peer through the thick, acrid smoke. You can see your twelve-year-old brother lying on the floor, unconscious and bleeding. You can hear your sister coughing upstairs.
Here is my review of A Cock and Bull Story, the film starring Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon, which I just got back from seeing.
Now you might well be asking why I would go to the cinema so early and I might lie and say I like to avoid the queues etc. and it keeps my evenings free but in reality it's because I didn't have anybody to go with and it's less embarrassing to go in the morning.
Oh a text message, excuse me...
|The Beast - many a good (lobster) friend did I see end his days at the hands of this dreadful creature.|
25th April, 2005
"Gav" from CrittyRecords emails me.
I’ve heard some of your music, and think it is just the thing that CrittyRecords needs. How about we meet, and we’ll discuss putting together a recording contract.
A&R CrittyRecords (Subsidiary of AllOneWordIndustries)
I read the email and consider replying. I decide to make myself sound slightly more important and busy than I actually am.
Thank you for your interest in my music. I am glad you enjoyed the aural treats which I slaved over for many an hour, often whilst in severe need of a haircut and coffee.
Sadly, I cannot meet with you at the moment, as I am in Florence, creating musical instruments from various to-hand materials. Did you know you can make a harmonica out of the more sturdy types of pasta? I didn’t!
A&E Department, Florence General Hospital
1: One Way Ticket |
Only 30 seconds in and this album has already made me laugh aloud. It reminds me of those terrible Pan Pipes Moods CDs they used to sell in T.J. Hughes. Just as I’m expecting Nigel Tufnel to come along and start going on about stone ‘enge the album’s shameful intro fades into what sounds like people snorting coke. I can’t say I’m surprised. Ah now we’re back on familiar grounds, ie: predictable guitar riffs with uninspired drumming and bass. On the positive side I was spared Justin’s overzealous falsetto whining for a full 1 minute and 24 seconds. He also admits that he’s talking rubbish and I have to say I agree.
'Go you below, my love,' said Mr. Murdstone. 'David2000 and I will come down, together.'
When we two were left alone, he shut the door, and sitting on a chair, and holding me standing before him, looked steadily into my optical sensors. I felt my own circuits attracted, no less steadily, to his human eyes.
As I recall our being opposed thus, face to face, I seem again to hear my cooling fan whirring fleet and loud.
'David2000,' he said, making his lips thin, by pressing them together, 'if I have an obstinate horse or dog to deal with, what do you think I do?'
'I don't know.'
'I beat him.'
|Hollywood executives have announced that there will be a remake of the classic movie Withnail & I. The original is revered as a classic by many, who will be awaiting the release of this new version with much trepidation, bordering on despair.|
My mild brain damage may be traced to the fact that I have completed Zelda approximately six times.
Watch in disgust as a Kokiri with a ginger mop humps a rock.
Episode 1: Go Fight City Hall – To the Death
A young woman is raped and strangled on a Los Angeles beach. Further down the coastline a young boy is shot and arrested for her murder. Shipman doesn't think that it would have been possible for the boy arrested to strangle the woman and decides that he is going to go out and begin a little investigation of his own. He visits City Hall, where the dead woman worked, to ask some questions and, after a little checking, murders everyone.
Interior, David Blunkett's flat. David Blunkett is sat in an armchair, eating a pot noodle. His guide dog, Mr. Snuggles, lies at his feet.
Blunkett: I'm bored, Mr. Snuggles. What do you say? Shall we have an early night?
Mr. Snuggles slowly backs away from Blunkett until his rear end is facing the wall. He looks at the camera and winces. *audience laughs*
Lardpony are the Derby-based crafters of excellent indie-synthy-pop-type-songs. Are they on the verge of something huge? Like an angry, yet geometrically unconventional, seal?
We sent The Robot Luke Elliott to track down the band's leader, Tom Morton, and find out.
|For some reason, TV's Richard Herring agreed to talk to us, about things and that. Here is what he said, in response to questioning from young Luke Elliott|
Evie: I know you can do it, V. The oracle told me that I would fall in love with V. And... I... love... you... so you must be... V...V for Vendetta
V: "I'm not ready for this, Evey!"
Evie: "You have to be ready for this, V...V for Vendetta. I believe in you."
V: "Are you saying I can dodge bullets?"
|Ipswich actually is the worse place ever. In my previous life as Mike Jones Claims Negotiator, I worked in Ipswich for three years. On my first day of work, I smoked a joint in Christchurch Park, alone. I couldn't function when I went back to 'the office' so I had to try something else the next day. The next day I walked around Tower Ramparts looking in windows, wearing a grey suit and eating a packed lunch from a Tesco carrier bag. I wanted to throw the bag away but there was the issue of the spoon – the spoon covered in chocolate from the chocolate mousse my mother had packed and I had eaten. I couldn't put that spoon in the pocket of my grey suit, you see? Claims negotiators don't have stains...|
I just remembered the worst film ever. It's called The Ninth Gate.
The story follows a dealer of rare books, played by Johnny Depp, who is hired by some weird satanist to find the original "Ninth Gate" book, which is, like, a million years old and written by The Devil, or something.
The decayed remains of now-legendary author Ted Vaaak have been found in a small hut, east of Loughborough.
Vaaaak, the author of works such as "The Last One Finishes 10th", and creator of a series of paintings which were politely rejected by Buckingham Palace, was previously believed to have been killed in mysterious circumstances in Germany, in mid-2005. Eyewitness at the time claim he "Vanished like a slug".
|At first you're spellbound by the sight. You blink, but there it is--a huge pair of lips floating about ten feet above the ground. They're bright red, those lips, and they are wearing what you'd have to describe as a cruel smile. And then it starts coming back to you. The Exploding Lips! The invasion from another dimension! The Earth caught unawares, the wholesale destruction as the nations, unprepared for this eerie and deadly invasion, try to fight back against a menace they can hardly understand.|
|I can't believe I have never seen this classic Science Fiction movie before. Basically Jean-Claude Van Damme lives in the space year 2004, and then he has to go back, way way way back through time to the ancient year of 1994 to get this bearded man, and when they get to 1994 his rookie partner, who is 26, says "Just think...I'm celebrating my SIXTEENTH birthday today!" and I nearly fell off my chair in shock at just how amazing a concept this really was...|
|What a splendid day for a bit of jolly old fun! It may be dull and dreary outside, but here in Cuthbert Crowser's Exciting Egg Environment there's gaboodles of larks to be had, and I've got some special tickets to hand out to all the lucky boys and girls. Unlucky get nowt and be grateful for it, I don't want you defiling my glorious palace with your foul, malformed parts.|
HELLO POKEY WE LOVE YOU POKEY POKEY WE WANT TO INTERVIEW YOU POKEY CAN WE INTERVIEW YOU FOR OUR WEBSITE WE LOVE YOU POKEY
OK PLEASE CONDUCT INTERVIEW VIA ASKO TOOL
LINK TO ASKO IS FROM POKEY WEBSITE!!! PLEASE TO MAKE A GROUP FOR INTERVIEW AND MAIL GROUP NAME TO POKEY
SCENE 386. INT. ORCA CABIN. NIGHT.
QUINT: Japanese submarine slammed two torpedoes into her side: "Ah-So!" Just like that, Chief. Vessel went down in 12 minutes. You know, I think that's where those little yellow devils got the idea for sushi, Hooper? A thousand sailors bobbin' around like so much raw fish...[HE TAILS OFF, LAUGHING]
Read this? Excellent, isn't it? It's an extract from "LINT", by Steve Aylett. Here at Goaste, we didn't know much about Steve, so we decided the best way to find out more was to ask the man himself.
Here's what he said to Luke...
|Like most gamers with taste, we enjoyed playing Grim Fandango. In addition to this, we also enjoyed the excellently jazzy soundtrack. So, a while ago, we emailed the creator of this music, Peter McConnell, to see if he’d answer some questions for Goaste. Astonishingly, he replied and said yes, he’d be glad to answer some questions. So we asked Luke to ask Peter some questions. And not silly ones like “How are you?”, or “What’s your favourite type of cigar?”, but important ones like “How do you get people to pay you to write music?” and “¿Which hat is best?”|
It never struck me as a derogatory nickname, at least not until I was much older. I was too young when they gave it to me, too innocent to view it as anything other than a term of endearment. Other kids wore theirs like a badge of belonging: Stilts, Jumbo, Dobba - there were enough pet names at St. Telegraph's Primary School to qualify the place for a zoo. That isn't its real name either, of course: another title bestowed by a former pupil - yours truly, in fact, 15 years after being ferried out of the place for the last time at the tender age of 11, in a Range Rover Discovery (a prototype "Chelsea Tractor", as they'd later come to be labelled).
When the 'old Man' ran out of the closet and away with his solicitor, Daniel; when he blipped off our radar for six months without so much as a goodbye, before turning up in Puerto Benus, naked, purple and swinging from the tan leather belt mum bought him the Christmas before, he didn't just take all our money and the respect of our so called 'friends'. No, he also robbed Mum and me of our Middle England identity cards; without them, we were never going to get back in. And for that I'm eternally grateful.
|This morning I watched Sally's Caught on Tape: Shocking Moments! It featured a woman being attacked by a shark, live on home video. Personally, I'd have shot it differently. At least I would if the industry wasn't such a fucking sham. Got a letter back from Ian Gastor at Fox today: liked my show reel but they don't have any 'suitable projects' for me right now. Grrrr! Suitable fucking projects. Wankers. I can turn a paw to one of their shit mini series without even breaking sweat. Bastard may as well have written "we're not interested in hiring your sort."|
|Hello! I'm the final Master. I have no evil beard at all, which is the rubbishest kind of evil beard.|
Electronic charity enforcement bands a risk to human rights, claim campaignersLord Geldof's anti-poverty wristbands have been a popular move so far. However, the press launch today for electronic "charity enforcement" neck bands - or collars - has been recieved with suspicion by human rights campaigners. Geldof claims that the “fashionable and stylish” new accessories will help to encourage a “positive attitude to giving” in the nation‘s youth. However, critics argue that the neck band - which cannot be removed once activated and delivers a sharp electric shock whenever it detects an uncharitable thought - is a direction violation of personal freedom.
The collars also feature a small black cube that corresponds with the top of the spine when worn. Lord Geldof has promised that the boxes need not be a cause for alarm as they are a “harmless result of the union-supported manufacturing process”, although he does warn that they should never be tampered with under any circumstances, as this will invalidate the warrantee and may result in serious injury.
The charity neck bands go on sale Monday in Sainsburys and HMV stores, priced 14.99 (0.5% of the price will be donated to charity)
(The Guardian, 8th June, 2005)
|A firm but tender cock, with a pleasing aroma and a fruity aftertaste.|
Q. Where does astronaut keep egg?|
A. egg cuoboaird
Q: Who started the great fire of London?
A: Ultra Jesus
Q: God walked into bar, and then destroyed it with lightning!
A: Snow joke
|Hello! I am Alan Moore. I just wrote From Hell. It is the best book ever written about Jack the Ripper, and London, too|
|Excellent! Your book is excellent. We will film that. The only thing that needs changing is that we'll make it into a mystery thriller, and not reveal who Jack the Ripper is, and we'll merge the psychic with the fat old policeman, and have him played by Johnny Depp. Also we'll have Heather Graham in it. And we'll film it in Prague, and make no attempt to make it look like we're in London at all. It'll be brilliant.|
INT. SMOKY BOARDROOM, NAZI MOON BASE. SPACE HITLER IS STANDING IN FRONT OF A GROUP OF SENIOR NAZIS
HITLER: Good evening my friends. With this device, I shall change the course of the war!
HITLER WHIPS A CLOTH OFF A TROLLEY IN FRONT OF HIM, REVEALING A CURIOUS DEVICE MADE OF HOSES AND NOZZLES
Why do bad things happen to bad people?
B. Vox, Ireland
Scene: A busy pub, in London. John Major sits, alone, at a small table close to the bar. He is sipping from a cup of tea, and occasionally nibbles on a crumbling digestive biscuit. Tony Blair enters.
Tony Blair strides up to the bar, purposefully. He is flanked by two midgets in suits.
Tony Blair: Barman, I would like to order a pot of tea. Three cups, please. Come on, I've got a country to run!
Deep in evil DAVID MCPIPEHELM's lair in Hull
DAVID MCPIPEHELM: And now you die, Mr Bond. Any last requests?
James Bond: Yes, could I have some Chicken Kievs?
DAVID MCPIPEHELM: I don't see why not. I could use the time to tell you my secret plan in detail.
James Bond: Excellent.
This has to be the best video ever made by a pop band ever!
Basically: Thom Yorke, looking as mutaated/gorgeous as ever, wanders around this eeeeevil creepy wood, and it's all done in stop-motion animation (if you've ever seen the horribly dark/upsetting animation The Secret Adventures Of Tom Thumb then you'll know what I mean). He happens across some mice smoking pipes, a cat wedding, and then, in a clearing, finds a big coat hanging in the air, glowing with ethereal power. So. He puts it on. Then he notices a tree with a hollow high up in it. And on the tree, eyes closed...CROWS!
Does anyone remember this?
Fuck me but did that thing used to freak me out
DAVID MCPIPEBEAR, Camberley
|INT. SPACE HITLER'S SECRET UNDERGROUND BUNKER ON HIS SPACE STATION. HE'S SITTING ON A HIGH GANTRY IN FRONT OF A HUGE BANK OF MONITORS. ON ONE OF THEM, WE SEE AN IMAGE OF WINSTON CHURCHILL, SITTING IN A BIG LEATHER ARMCHAIR SMOKING A CIGAR|
What ho. Bastard engineering work has dried up lately and I find myself with a lot of bastard time on my bastard hands. So, with the help of my bastard Stovepipe (Hat) of Knowledge, I plan to put my-bastard-self to good use once more. Ask me a bastard question, I'll tip my Stovepipe and Bob's your bastard uncle, a nugget of genuine wisdom and truth will fall forth. Who's bastard first?
|In an attempt to stay ahead of the competition Joke Robot has upgraded. Now fully equipped with the latest in realistic voice synthesis technology, Joke Robot is even funnier than ever. "You'll never catch me, Chat Bot!", says the Joke Robot. He could well be right.|
|Chat Bot is the second finest AI in the world. Although he has yet to pass the Turing Test, he recently excelled in his 11+, and is currently studying for his GCSE's at King Edward's Grammar School in Chelmsford. Chat Bot loves to talk, but cannot stand frivolity. His one true enemy is the Joke Robot, and he has vowed to destroy him before the end of the year.|
The orangutans waited paitently at check-in, their suitcases full of souvenir shortbread and decorative teatowels. They looked disapprovingly over at the caribou, who were being drunk and obnoxious in WHSmiths.
|Doctor Who is only just back and already its been announced that he's leaving forever, to be replaced by yet another Doctor. So how are the BBC going to handle the sensitive moment of his death and subsequent regeneration. We look at the possibilities...|
|The Joke Robot is the finest modern AI in the world. The first machine to pass the Turing test twice, he knows over 1600 jokes. He enjoys yachting and occassionally wrestles bears for fun.|
|They lie side by side, sheets pulled up tight to their chins. Twin butterbeans, their skin papery and wrinkled. In the failing light of the previous afternoon, she had listened as her husband's breathing rasped and clicked and eventually, painfully, stopped...|
|In the summer, the roads are filled with the shrieks and screams of children playing, the thud of balls on tarmac and the patter-slap of soles slapping the pavement. As the moon hangs pale in the sky and the sun grazes the horizon, the voices bounce off the walls between the terraced houses, echoing in shrill scales and tinny abuse, the throaty edge of tearfulness and the backdrop of bubbling laughter...|
Rock-out merchants Keane arrived on the grindcore scene very recently, but already they've had unprecedented success - in March 2004 they were playing in Hull to an audience of nine people - some of whom had physical deformities. Flash forward to November, and they have a fanbase of over 10 billion people - all of whom are completely able-bodied. "We just can't stand physical deformity" laughs big-faced singer Tom Chaplin.
And so you tell me. And I wait. And I try to understand.
Outside the glow intensifies, and some of the revellers move away from the boulevard and over to the viewside. I look to you for a moment, and you give a shrug, and then we go too.
I feel like I should be hurting around now. I feel like I should be feeling something...
|'Britpop' (Brit Pop) was a popular form of guitar-based music which reached its zenith in the mid 1990's. We are still feeling its hangover today, with more bands than ever picking up electrical guitars, and employing a string section to give their mediocre compositions more 'emotional impact'.|
|The freeze erodes flesh and burnishes skin dull red. The people here are all angles, jutting cheekbones and collarbones and pelvises, elbows like blades. There eyes are wide with dazzle and in the dull light of their homes their pupils stretch huge and dark....|